I Can't

We can't give up.

You can't.

Not then, not now. Not tomorrow...

Someone probably told you, you should, but try to be a little wiser, and hold on to what's true.

Don't say you don't know anymore, because you know, you really do.

Even if it hurts, stay. You have to hold on. You're needed. More than you imagined, more than they imagined.

Would you cry instead, and tell your prayers, and paint your anger, than letting go.

If time is the answer, then wait.

If you can't wait, then wait.

This world is very strange, and it hurts a little too much.

But please, it's not the reason why we're here.

It can distract us as much as it can, take away our loves, or prove to us that sometimes, good things are not always enough.

But that's because you were chosen. To be born. To be here. To experience your experience.

You are loved. You are loved. And you love. Keep safe. Keep safe. I tell you, God bless.

'I love you'. It's here. I'm here. You know. We can't give up. Fight for the light. Fight it. Believe.

Traveling

I think, more than the past, I believe in the future, and in the present, I try my best to trust.

Just because I hurt, just because I feel bad, doesn’t mean I lost faith in what’s important.

And just because I may lose track, whether by chance or on purpose, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to get back, and doesn’t mean I don’t want to go back.

It just means I’m learning.

I’m trying to do what I can with what I have. I’m trying to explore what else I can work with, play with, be with, live with. I’m trying to live the best life I can live in every moment, without getting stuck in the future, or being buried in the past. Most of all, with the demands of a presence of mind, I try to do excellently as a good person. Doing good, being good and staying good.

All this goodness, is nothing close to the childish notion of naughty and nice. Doing good as contributing to others around me. Doing my best to be thoughtful. Thinking of others’ situation before my own, and analyzing as best as possible how to reconcile both, and if sacrifice on my end must be done, then so be it. Being good as to practicing my virtues.

As difficult and impossible as they may be, I can try to be saintly, but never claim to be as such. I aspire to be not because it’s admirable but because I’m directed to be so. As everyone is, in fact. As to be saintly is to be good, people are directed to goodness. Growth is goodness. Transcendence is goodness. Using this transcendence to help us pave our destiny, but not just ours but of others’. Being good technically does not only show your faith and love for others, but your faith and love for yourself as well.

Staying good as getting back into track if I fall down. If I fall for temptations, if I forget important things and reminders, if I chose to do what is not good—Staying good has a lot to do with persistence and determination, and meaning to do it not just because you’re sincere, not just because you have to, but because you know it in your heart that you want to stay well, and you want to do good, to be good, because you are aware that this brings you happiness.

Just as you are, the goodness that you are, in your heart, you bring tidings to your existence. Happiness is happy for happiness. As happiness is universal, happiness of others, may also count on yours. Your affectivity extends from yourself, onto others and multiplies as long as others reflect their lights, from a source so Beautiful. Like mirrors, we reflect His light, His goodness, His mercy and His compassion.

I may not see everything. And I may not know everything. But I know that in my heart, that whatever I’m looking for is already watching me with love and unsurpassed longing. I search, and I am waited for. If I wait as I search for my answers, my answers wait until my personal investigation has been completed.

The Red Queen Complex

Even words can’t speak sometimes.

But when we begin to force them, as if aiming for a ripple effect, they cascade, like water seeping through cracks.

Eventually when you break the wall, they just overflow.

Super giant one-of-a kind apologies to others and myself for not coming up to the already small expectation of sharing a post ‘once a week’.

So last I posted was December, and already it’s February and the entire world is about to welcome summer in its variety.

I’ve mentioned somewhere in my posts before that technically, I’ve already failed the routine of posting once a week and yet, I still continue to do so.

(I tried making up for those like, I’d post 2 entries the ff. week if I wasn’t able with the last. But. I think sticking to your site’s ‘premise’ is like, following the doctor’s orders. If it’s just one glass of wine a day, and you missed drinking, you can’t have two on the next. So. ….I’M SOOOOORRRRRYYYYYY.)

I know even if the comments read ‘0’ count, I still keep on saying these apologies, but it’s for any friend or reader who passes by my page and reads or scans through my entries.

Long apology over. I’m still writing in this blog.

And new entry:

The Red Queen Complex

‘Off with their heads! Off. With. Their Heeeeeaaaads!”

Guess who said that.

I like her, the Red Queen, from Alice in Wonderland.

She’s angry, she’s vengeful, she knows how it feels to be hated and to be unloved. There is no other daring character in this world that I know, in either fiction or reality that is exactly like the Red Queen. If you know one, you’re in a serious treat.

No, I’m not sadistic. I like her, yes, but I don’t want to be like her.

However, I do feel like her, but not necessarily wanting to be.

Are you a Red Queen, too?

But pardon, Red Queen is Red Queen. Let us not rob off her personal merit of carrying her own name, character and definition, however impossible to fully define.

My sympathies go more for her, than for Alice. Her malice makes her sympathetic for me; that fear, that thirst for redemption, her wild revenge and her quest to earn her misplaced, misinterpreted ‘merit’.

The Red Queen, to me, is the epitome of frustrated love and unaccepted difference. I find her will to live so very much astonishing. She is a kind of nemesis that keeps you wondering, “Why? Why? Why?” Just to arrive at the simplest of answers no one can dare translate as coherently as she sees it in her own mind.

She is jealous and coveting. She will rob you in an instant if you possess something she wants. She is high-tempered and lacking of basic social skills, but her aggressiveness and direct-approach sends everyone moving and talking about and even for her.

But as earlier confessed; I may find myself resembling the Red Queen in times, but I dare not want to be like her.

Content and deluded by her own misery and loneliness. Someone who agreed with herself that the world is how she sees it to be and no one else can change that. Someone who’s smart enough to force herself in leadership, but dumb enough not to know how to handle the responsibilities. She fumes, explodes, rages and pounds. All that beautiful, bountiful energy; recycled into the universe without her turn of good use.

That to me is her unfortunate downfall. An opportunity lost to contribute something good. Nothing is more saddening than an opportunity lost. Regrets bore out of this, and yet we have the audacity to tell ourselves that we have learned our lesson, only to commit the same mistake not only twice, or thrice, but over and over until our life must’ve been sucked out of our bodies.

The horrifying and good thing about this lifetime we spend, however singular, is that as energy is recycled, opportunity can present itself again. Yes, hence the performance of similar mistakes. But we cannot blame ourselves so much because of our innate downfall; our lack of an all-knowing intelligence. A basic truth we can never, and I mean it, ever change. So we have what we call ‘perfecting’; a state where we are close to perfect, but not really.

Given that we enjoy and learn in our own faults, it is just as a given that we secretly or adamantly aim to change that.

Did the Red Queen want to change?

I certainly want to. But the Red Queen found perfection in her own imperfection. And for those who think they are perfect, and nothing more can ever be added or subtracted, you’re one and the same fault.

The answer is brutal and simple: We’re not.

So deal with it.

Seriously, work on it.